Magnificent Work In Progress

My official weigh in for 2015

and I'm starting the year out

weighing MORE than I did last year

343 is a big number

I will say that...

....I'm thankful that this is not my all time high

At least I can say I've seen worse... 

but it is still such a disappointment,

but I made mistakes, 

mistakes that have taught me invaluable lessons

and so I move on

but the journey seems almost impossible

I don't know how many people can relate

but when you're overweight

and especially as overweight as I am

and you're looking at your predicted destination

and you realize how far you have to go

it just seems like

the mountain is too high

the valley is too low

the river is too wide

the ocean is too deep....

okay, I think you get it!

What we forget to realize is that there is

the actual journey

I mean, the whole point of actually doing a road trip

is all the cool spots you get to hit along the way, right?

No one goes from California to New York

without stopping along the way 

There are so many cool things to see along the way

the journey with losing weight is the same

I'm not going to lose 50 lbs

and still be depressed

that I'm not yet in New York.... 

hehe

I'm a work in progress

a MAGNIFICENT work in progress

I get to learn so many things in the next year or two

there will be so many stops along the journey that I will get to enjoy

there will be new people I will met 

and I will wonder how I ever lived without them

there will be memories that will be made 

that will create so much joy in my life

there will be moments

that will mold and shape me

and I will become a different person

not because the number on the scale is different

but because of the journey!

New Year, New Me

Well, here we are again...

the start of a new year! 

Can you believe its 2015?

Last year when I thought of this moment...

I thought it would turn out a little different. 

I thought I'd be starting this year at least 100 lbs down

half way through to my goal of losing 200 lbs

but instead I'm starting right back where I started

yet another year of ups and downs

I'm having mixed emotions about where I am

Let me introduce you to emotion #1

This is the girl that is mad

oh Ashley, how did you do this again?

How did you get here?

How many times can you seriously make the same mistakes?

Aren't you embarrassed?

Who am I kidding, of course you are embarrassed. 

Why do you even bother to blog about it

I have no idea why people even stay interested in you

its the same thing over and over again

Aren't you tired of working hard 

and then gaining it all back?

Aren't you sick of letting food win? 

Addiction - WINNING

You - FAILING

Do you just like it?

The emotional roller coaster?

The drama of it all?

The pain?

Do you not know how to live without the pain?

Don't you know you deserve better?

Don't you know that there is something better out there?

UGH!

Now, let me introduce you to emotion #2

This is the girl that is glad...

glad that I keep getting up and dusting myself off

glad that I'm trying for the 35,956 time

glad that the embarrassment doesn't hold me back

glad that failure isn't an option

and it only becomes an option when I quit 

and so if I keep getting up

I know I never fail

and I know I can do this

and even after I have given myself plenty of reasons

to doubt that success is ever possible

I still get up

I still keep fighting

That even though there are sometimes

when I really loathe my choices

that I still love myself enough to not give up

Never

Give

Up

So here I am again. 

Laugh if you want. 

Cheer if you want. 

Cry if you want. 

I am doing all the above. 

I am back. 

This time will be different

I have to believe that

and I hope you do, too

I love that you stand by me

Even though you may have been disappointed in the past

you may at one point even forgot you were on this journey with me

thank you for being back here with me

thank you for sticking with me

thank you for loving me when sometimes I couldn't love myself

thank

YOU

Weigh-In #8: May 23, 2014

This week was really great 
and really horrible all at the same time, 
but a good kind of horrible. 
I was on my elimination cleanse 
and my body really has never felt better 
which is evident in how much weight 
has been released from my body! 
But I was an emotional wreck 
without everything that comforts me. 
But I needed it because now 
I know how it feels to treat my body right 
and I want to keep that up!

Weigh In: 05/23/14

Starting Weight (5/9):  329.4 lbs

Ending Weight (5/16):   318.4 lbs

Weight Gone This Week: -11.0 lbs

(My highest weight was 355 in Jan 2013)

Total Weight Lost:  - 36.6 lbs

Weigh-In #7: May 16, 2014

This is my official weekly weigh-in blog post 
The last time I made one of these was on.....
....12/16/13... That was 5 months ago
Yikes!!!
I thought about starting over
but November/December
were a huge part of my overall journey
and even though I struggle with the shame
that came from gaining back the weight
I still don't want to pretend it never happened
because I learned so much that is going to stay with me
and help me through the rest of my journey...
SO, continuing from there
this is Weigh-In #7

However, one thing that will change
My starting weight will come from last week
NOT from December
I weighed myself last Friday (May 9) 


Weigh In: 05/16/14

Starting Weight (5/9):  336.6 lbs

Ending Weight (5/16):   329.4

Weight Gone This Week: -7.2lbs

(My highest weight was 355 in Jan 2013)

Total Weight Lost:  - 25.6 lbs

This week was great for me. 
I got back on track. 
I prepped for my Elimination Cleanse this week. 
I'm hoping for another great week 
as I head into my cleanse!

#LivingPerfectlyImperfect

Reboot

Last post I made the announcement 

that I had a new local health coach

and I'm excited to share with you

a little about what I'm doing this week!

This week I'm focusing on:

#1 Setting Goals - Short Term/Long Term

#2 Rebooting my body by doing an Elimination Cleanse

The Elimination Cleanse basically means

that I will eliminate a bunch of different foods

that are common allergens to people

and eat very simply for a set amount of days

and then I'll slowly bring back different foods

to see how my body reacts to them.

This will give my body a great reboot 

as I eat simply and healthfully.

This will also allow me to find any

food that my body is intolerant to.

I have bad digestive issues and

often get sinus infections during the winter

as well as a slew of other things 

and I suspect a gluten and/or diary intolerance

For a food addict this is going to be tough

The "Avoid List" includes....

Dairy

Gluten

Grains

Sugar

Most Beans

Eggs

Nuts

Soy

Preservatives/Processed Food

Alcohol

and a few other things I can't think of right now

But you get my drift. It's a lot. 

To give a sample of what my next week will look at

Here are just a few items on my meal plan 

Breakfast:

Smoothies

Berries, Banana, Spinach, Coconut Milk, Chia Seeds etc.

Lunch:

German Lentil Soup (Vegetarian)

OR

Simple Turkey Taco Salad w/

Lettuce, Organic ground turkey, Fresh Salsa, Guacamole

Dinner:

Chicken Fajita Salad w/

Lettuce, Organic Chicken Breast Chunks, Grilled Onions/Pepper, Guacamole 

Organic Low Sugar/Gluten-Dairy Free Fajita Seasoning 

OR

Lemon Rosemary Chicken w/ Balsamic Brussels Sprouts or Steamed Artichokes

and a Sweet Potato 

Snack(s):

Raw Veggies w/ Guacamole

Organic Lunch Meat

Pure Coconut Water

Pumpkin/Sunflower Seeds

Fruit

Right now I've been in pre-detox mode for the last four days

preparing for the 7 day detox

that will start tomorrow (Friday May 16)

So why tell you this?

Because right now I have 338 Accountability Partners on LPI

As I'm going through this I will have lots of raw emotions

that I will want to get out

and I need your help to cheer me on and keep my motivated!

Let's do this! 

I'm a Fighter

Hey Ya'all! 

So something has been brewing in the background here at LPI 

As I've told you before, this year has been hard...

like, REALLY hard

I've gained back a lot of the weight I lost in Nov/Dec

At the end of the 2013 I was 311

Yesterday I weighed in at 336... ouch!

I've really felt a lot of shame

and as many times as I've tried to come out of hiding

My food addiction has gotten the best of me

and I've just kept going back to the dark hole

But my page is Living Perfectly Imperfect

I didn't name it that because I'm perfect at living imperfectly

I named it that because that's what how I'm striving to live

I want to be okay with all my imperfections

I want to not be my worst critic

But, I'm not perfect and its a daily struggle to be okay with my imperfections

It's not as if I feel like someday I will be perfect

But I know someday, with a lot of practice and support

I can learn to love myself, imperfections and all, 

and to truly understand that life is a journey

and its not all-or-nothing! Baby steps count! 

I do have to say....

I am proud of myself because 

even in the midst of my darkness...

I was still fighting to come out of the darkness

One thing I DO know about myself...

I'm a Fighter! (Que Christina Aguilera....) 

I will keep fighting for what I want

because I know the only way to truly ever fail 

is to give up

so I refuse to give up!

 I refuse to be a "failure"....

So I did a lot of soul searching

Trying to figure out what I needed the most

and that was someone who could teach me how to live this way

I wanted to find someone that could teach me more about nutrition

Someone who could be my accountability partner on a regular basis

Someone I could count on to always be there for me

I found that person in Caroline Devin!

Caroline is my new nutritionist/health coach/

support system/accountability partner/therapist etc. etc. 

She is my very own transformation specialist!

She owns Serenity of Body and Mind

If you are local to Oregon, check her out...

If your not local to Oregon... check her out anyways...

She has some great information on her blog posts

http://www.serenityofbodyandmind.com

She is going to help me through my entire journey

I will be sharing what I'm working on with her

I will be using my blog as my own personal journal

I hope that I can stay present, even through the bad time

So that hopefully my struggles can help others

Don't worry, I still have Jacqui backing me up

But, for those of you who are living under a rock

and don't know...

Jacqui has a miracle baby growing in her tummy

Plus she lives on the other side of the country

You can never have enough people helping you along your journey

I'm lucky enough to have gotten so much good information from Jacqui

and I continue to learn from her and keep in touch

Caroline is just another great person that I have in my corner

Thanks for sticking with me friends!

I've Canceled My Membership to the Diet-of-the-Month Club

I used to belong to the "diet-of-the-month" club

I was a member for over 16 years

There are times that I've let my membership expire...

... only to renew it again, and again, and again

BUT, and this is a really big, gigantic, humongous BUT

I'm determined to never allow myself to join that silly club again

How many of you belong to this club?

The one that flip flops us from diet to diet

This year alone I've been....

Low Carb

Paleo

AND

Vegan

How does that even work?!?! 

Well, it didn't. I went insane and messed up my body

All of these diets promise results

Of course, anyone can see results on any of the diets

People can be perfectly healthy on any of these diets

But there are only the select few who can LIVE that way

I couldn't live with any of those 100%

... and if we can't live a life eating the way we are eating now

what makes us think we can be successful long term?

For some reason....

every time... 

every single time... 

 a new "issue" of the diet-of-the-month club came out

I was excited

FINALLY something I could do

But it always failed me, always

I'm ready to start a revolution....

okay, that was a little dramatic...

but seriously! Who is with me?

Let's all STOP

Let's all LIVE! 

This past week I've focused on getting myself back into the groove

Sure, weight doesn't fall of as quickly

But I lost 1lb this week. 

I'm starting off small

I'm focusing on counting my calories

Eating reasonable portions

But if I wanted a treat, I had it, as long as it fit within my calories

I'm not watching my fat

I'm not watching my sugar, fiber, protein or anything

These are all important and I will get there

But... I'm addicted to food

and I've tried the cold turkey approach

It just leads to a binges for me

This week I'm going to focus on getting active

I'm not ready to put my Fit Bit on (for all my Fit Bit friends)

But I am going to start walking

I'm going to get myself out there

I think its important to eat clean and be healthy

But I just can't do it all at once if I want it to be a way of life for me

Slow and steady wins the race 

Its a hard concept for me to swallow.... it really is....

and I will get to the point where I can be more strict with myself

But its going to be MY rules

I will no longer follow someone elses rules about "diets"

I've read enough of them to take bits and pieces 

to design a program that works for me

After all.........

I've never been very good at following rules

and that's why I've canceled my membership

to the diet-of-the-month club

Who is with me?!?!