Magnificent Work In Progress

My official weigh in for 2015

and I'm starting the year out

weighing MORE than I did last year

343 is a big number

I will say that...

....I'm thankful that this is not my all time high

At least I can say I've seen worse... 

but it is still such a disappointment,

but I made mistakes, 

mistakes that have taught me invaluable lessons

and so I move on

but the journey seems almost impossible

I don't know how many people can relate

but when you're overweight

and especially as overweight as I am

and you're looking at your predicted destination

and you realize how far you have to go

it just seems like

the mountain is too high

the valley is too low

the river is too wide

the ocean is too deep....

okay, I think you get it!

What we forget to realize is that there is

the actual journey

I mean, the whole point of actually doing a road trip

is all the cool spots you get to hit along the way, right?

No one goes from California to New York

without stopping along the way 

There are so many cool things to see along the way

the journey with losing weight is the same

I'm not going to lose 50 lbs

and still be depressed

that I'm not yet in New York.... 

hehe

I'm a work in progress

a MAGNIFICENT work in progress

I get to learn so many things in the next year or two

there will be so many stops along the journey that I will get to enjoy

there will be new people I will met 

and I will wonder how I ever lived without them

there will be memories that will be made 

that will create so much joy in my life

there will be moments

that will mold and shape me

and I will become a different person

not because the number on the scale is different

but because of the journey!

New Year, New Me

Well, here we are again...

the start of a new year! 

Can you believe its 2015?

Last year when I thought of this moment...

I thought it would turn out a little different. 

I thought I'd be starting this year at least 100 lbs down

half way through to my goal of losing 200 lbs

but instead I'm starting right back where I started

yet another year of ups and downs

I'm having mixed emotions about where I am

Let me introduce you to emotion #1

This is the girl that is mad

oh Ashley, how did you do this again?

How did you get here?

How many times can you seriously make the same mistakes?

Aren't you embarrassed?

Who am I kidding, of course you are embarrassed. 

Why do you even bother to blog about it

I have no idea why people even stay interested in you

its the same thing over and over again

Aren't you tired of working hard 

and then gaining it all back?

Aren't you sick of letting food win? 

Addiction - WINNING

You - FAILING

Do you just like it?

The emotional roller coaster?

The drama of it all?

The pain?

Do you not know how to live without the pain?

Don't you know you deserve better?

Don't you know that there is something better out there?

UGH!

Now, let me introduce you to emotion #2

This is the girl that is glad...

glad that I keep getting up and dusting myself off

glad that I'm trying for the 35,956 time

glad that the embarrassment doesn't hold me back

glad that failure isn't an option

and it only becomes an option when I quit 

and so if I keep getting up

I know I never fail

and I know I can do this

and even after I have given myself plenty of reasons

to doubt that success is ever possible

I still get up

I still keep fighting

That even though there are sometimes

when I really loathe my choices

that I still love myself enough to not give up

Never

Give

Up

So here I am again. 

Laugh if you want. 

Cheer if you want. 

Cry if you want. 

I am doing all the above. 

I am back. 

This time will be different

I have to believe that

and I hope you do, too

I love that you stand by me

Even though you may have been disappointed in the past

you may at one point even forgot you were on this journey with me

thank you for being back here with me

thank you for sticking with me

thank you for loving me when sometimes I couldn't love myself

thank

YOU

Weigh-In #8: May 23, 2014

This week was really great 
and really horrible all at the same time, 
but a good kind of horrible. 
I was on my elimination cleanse 
and my body really has never felt better 
which is evident in how much weight 
has been released from my body! 
But I was an emotional wreck 
without everything that comforts me. 
But I needed it because now 
I know how it feels to treat my body right 
and I want to keep that up!

Weigh In: 05/23/14

Starting Weight (5/9):  329.4 lbs

Ending Weight (5/16):   318.4 lbs

Weight Gone This Week: -11.0 lbs

(My highest weight was 355 in Jan 2013)

Total Weight Lost:  - 36.6 lbs

Weigh-In #7: May 16, 2014

This is my official weekly weigh-in blog post 
The last time I made one of these was on.....
....12/16/13... That was 5 months ago
Yikes!!!
I thought about starting over
but November/December
were a huge part of my overall journey
and even though I struggle with the shame
that came from gaining back the weight
I still don't want to pretend it never happened
because I learned so much that is going to stay with me
and help me through the rest of my journey...
SO, continuing from there
this is Weigh-In #7

However, one thing that will change
My starting weight will come from last week
NOT from December
I weighed myself last Friday (May 9) 


Weigh In: 05/16/14

Starting Weight (5/9):  336.6 lbs

Ending Weight (5/16):   329.4

Weight Gone This Week: -7.2lbs

(My highest weight was 355 in Jan 2013)

Total Weight Lost:  - 25.6 lbs

This week was great for me. 
I got back on track. 
I prepped for my Elimination Cleanse this week. 
I'm hoping for another great week 
as I head into my cleanse!

#LivingPerfectlyImperfect

Reboot

Last post I made the announcement 

that I had a new local health coach

and I'm excited to share with you

a little about what I'm doing this week!

This week I'm focusing on:

#1 Setting Goals - Short Term/Long Term

#2 Rebooting my body by doing an Elimination Cleanse

The Elimination Cleanse basically means

that I will eliminate a bunch of different foods

that are common allergens to people

and eat very simply for a set amount of days

and then I'll slowly bring back different foods

to see how my body reacts to them.

This will give my body a great reboot 

as I eat simply and healthfully.

This will also allow me to find any

food that my body is intolerant to.

I have bad digestive issues and

often get sinus infections during the winter

as well as a slew of other things 

and I suspect a gluten and/or diary intolerance

For a food addict this is going to be tough

The "Avoid List" includes....

Dairy

Gluten

Grains

Sugar

Most Beans

Eggs

Nuts

Soy

Preservatives/Processed Food

Alcohol

and a few other things I can't think of right now

But you get my drift. It's a lot. 

To give a sample of what my next week will look at

Here are just a few items on my meal plan 

Breakfast:

Smoothies

Berries, Banana, Spinach, Coconut Milk, Chia Seeds etc.

Lunch:

German Lentil Soup (Vegetarian)

OR

Simple Turkey Taco Salad w/

Lettuce, Organic ground turkey, Fresh Salsa, Guacamole

Dinner:

Chicken Fajita Salad w/

Lettuce, Organic Chicken Breast Chunks, Grilled Onions/Pepper, Guacamole 

Organic Low Sugar/Gluten-Dairy Free Fajita Seasoning 

OR

Lemon Rosemary Chicken w/ Balsamic Brussels Sprouts or Steamed Artichokes

and a Sweet Potato 

Snack(s):

Raw Veggies w/ Guacamole

Organic Lunch Meat

Pure Coconut Water

Pumpkin/Sunflower Seeds

Fruit

Right now I've been in pre-detox mode for the last four days

preparing for the 7 day detox

that will start tomorrow (Friday May 16)

So why tell you this?

Because right now I have 338 Accountability Partners on LPI

As I'm going through this I will have lots of raw emotions

that I will want to get out

and I need your help to cheer me on and keep my motivated!

Let's do this! 

I'm a Fighter

Hey Ya'all! 

So something has been brewing in the background here at LPI 

As I've told you before, this year has been hard...

like, REALLY hard

I've gained back a lot of the weight I lost in Nov/Dec

At the end of the 2013 I was 311

Yesterday I weighed in at 336... ouch!

I've really felt a lot of shame

and as many times as I've tried to come out of hiding

My food addiction has gotten the best of me

and I've just kept going back to the dark hole

But my page is Living Perfectly Imperfect

I didn't name it that because I'm perfect at living imperfectly

I named it that because that's what how I'm striving to live

I want to be okay with all my imperfections

I want to not be my worst critic

But, I'm not perfect and its a daily struggle to be okay with my imperfections

It's not as if I feel like someday I will be perfect

But I know someday, with a lot of practice and support

I can learn to love myself, imperfections and all, 

and to truly understand that life is a journey

and its not all-or-nothing! Baby steps count! 

I do have to say....

I am proud of myself because 

even in the midst of my darkness...

I was still fighting to come out of the darkness

One thing I DO know about myself...

I'm a Fighter! (Que Christina Aguilera....) 

I will keep fighting for what I want

because I know the only way to truly ever fail 

is to give up

so I refuse to give up!

 I refuse to be a "failure"....

So I did a lot of soul searching

Trying to figure out what I needed the most

and that was someone who could teach me how to live this way

I wanted to find someone that could teach me more about nutrition

Someone who could be my accountability partner on a regular basis

Someone I could count on to always be there for me

I found that person in Caroline Devin!

Caroline is my new nutritionist/health coach/

support system/accountability partner/therapist etc. etc. 

She is my very own transformation specialist!

She owns Serenity of Body and Mind

If you are local to Oregon, check her out...

If your not local to Oregon... check her out anyways...

She has some great information on her blog posts

http://www.serenityofbodyandmind.com

She is going to help me through my entire journey

I will be sharing what I'm working on with her

I will be using my blog as my own personal journal

I hope that I can stay present, even through the bad time

So that hopefully my struggles can help others

Don't worry, I still have Jacqui backing me up

But, for those of you who are living under a rock

and don't know...

Jacqui has a miracle baby growing in her tummy

Plus she lives on the other side of the country

You can never have enough people helping you along your journey

I'm lucky enough to have gotten so much good information from Jacqui

and I continue to learn from her and keep in touch

Caroline is just another great person that I have in my corner

Thanks for sticking with me friends!

I've Canceled My Membership to the Diet-of-the-Month Club

I used to belong to the "diet-of-the-month" club

I was a member for over 16 years

There are times that I've let my membership expire...

... only to renew it again, and again, and again

BUT, and this is a really big, gigantic, humongous BUT

I'm determined to never allow myself to join that silly club again

How many of you belong to this club?

The one that flip flops us from diet to diet

This year alone I've been....

Low Carb

Paleo

AND

Vegan

How does that even work?!?! 

Well, it didn't. I went insane and messed up my body

All of these diets promise results

Of course, anyone can see results on any of the diets

People can be perfectly healthy on any of these diets

But there are only the select few who can LIVE that way

I couldn't live with any of those 100%

... and if we can't live a life eating the way we are eating now

what makes us think we can be successful long term?

For some reason....

every time... 

every single time... 

 a new "issue" of the diet-of-the-month club came out

I was excited

FINALLY something I could do

But it always failed me, always

I'm ready to start a revolution....

okay, that was a little dramatic...

but seriously! Who is with me?

Let's all STOP

Let's all LIVE! 

This past week I've focused on getting myself back into the groove

Sure, weight doesn't fall of as quickly

But I lost 1lb this week. 

I'm starting off small

I'm focusing on counting my calories

Eating reasonable portions

But if I wanted a treat, I had it, as long as it fit within my calories

I'm not watching my fat

I'm not watching my sugar, fiber, protein or anything

These are all important and I will get there

But... I'm addicted to food

and I've tried the cold turkey approach

It just leads to a binges for me

This week I'm going to focus on getting active

I'm not ready to put my Fit Bit on (for all my Fit Bit friends)

But I am going to start walking

I'm going to get myself out there

I think its important to eat clean and be healthy

But I just can't do it all at once if I want it to be a way of life for me

Slow and steady wins the race 

Its a hard concept for me to swallow.... it really is....

and I will get to the point where I can be more strict with myself

But its going to be MY rules

I will no longer follow someone elses rules about "diets"

I've read enough of them to take bits and pieces 

to design a program that works for me

After all.........

I've never been very good at following rules

and that's why I've canceled my membership

to the diet-of-the-month club

Who is with me?!?! 

....And the Truth Shall Set ME Free!

I know exactly what you all are thinking

"Knock, Knock - Hello? 

.....Ashley, are you there?"

I promised you all I'd be back this month...
yet again I failed to come back to the fold!

I'm here to let you know why....
 I'm here to set myself free

...to stop feeling guilty, shame,

embarrassment, self-loathing etc. 

The truth is, I've gained. 

Last time I weighed in for you I was 311

Today I weighed in at 325 *Gulp*

Gosh, you may not realize how good that feels

To finally be honest with you
and now that I'm being honest with you,
I can start being present with you!

Almost everyday since the beginning of 2014 has been a struggle for me. 

I've gone up and down the same 10-15lbs probably three times in two months.

I even got myself down to 309 only to go back up again

The truth is, I've been trying to play catch up. 

I felt ashamed that in the new year

when everyone is doing so good,

... I was sucking! 

I felt embarrassed that all of you lovely people were so proud of me

and I felt like I was letting you down

So, when I gained a little, I tried to do something drastic in order to make up for it

I thought if I could just do something to lose a bunch of weight
then no one would notice

So my "All or Nothing" mentality kicked it. 

I was strict to catch up

Then, after not being able to be so strict, I would binge. 

Then of course the weight would come back on just as fast
PLUS a little extra

UGH!

So in the end, it didn't do any good. 

I really, really didn't want to talk about gaining
I only wanted to struggle a little....
stupid, right? haha

The reason I started this blog was to have support
through the good and bad
but I was hoping it was more good then bad
I wanted to be this great inspirational person..
like you see on the TV shows...
but the truth is, you only see the majority of the good on TV Shows....
if they struggle you see like 10 minutes of struggle

Every single time I tried to come back I thought I was "close enough"
to my previous weight so no one would notice
but as I got further and further away
I felt a great deal of shame
So I hid myself
and this just added to the pain and guilt I felt
and where do I turn for comfort?
FOOD
Why do we turn to the one thing that is creating all of our problems?
Ironic, no? Haha

BUT

... then I realized... 

you are all here to hear about the good, the bad, the ugly and the sad

.. at least I think you are?
You are all here because you support me

Weight loss is not a perfect journey

I'm not on the biggest loser, you don't expect me to lose 10lbs a week

The only person putting pressure on me is me

I'm sorry and I'm not going to hide anymore
I'm Ashley
I weight 325lbs
I'm on a lifelong journey
I'm not perfect
and now that you all know my truth
I'm FREE
I can be present with you about my struggles
I can have you by my side again

Thank you to all those that are reading this now
It means that you didn't leave my side even when
I put myself in my own prison by shutting you all out
I'm not used to being open during my struggles

I'll be posting a lot as I get back into blogging
and telling you all about how I'm getting back into
being healthy and kind to myself!

Thank you for your love and support!!

Weigh in #6: December 16, 2013

I had a blast this week! I had back-to-back-to-back Christmas parties and spent a lot of good times with family and friends. I also ate some really delicious food! Because of this, the scale didn't budge much- and you know what? That's okay! So many times in my life have I gained 10-20 lbs by now, indulging in everything in anticipation of the new year when I would "start." I've really be conscious when eating and not letting my all-or-nothing mentality take over. In a perfect world, I wish I would have made it through the week with a loss but I'm not perfect and I honestly wouldn't change much from this week because it was mentally satisfying. I'm still working towards my goal of 299, and I know it most likely happen in the time frame I wanted it but this is my lifestyle now. As long as I keep going I'll get to where I want to go. Here is to another week! 

Previous Weight: 311.4

Current Weight: 311.8

Weight Change: +0.4

Elf on the Shelf Days 6-10

Frankie has been up to no good!

After all the stuffed animals decided it would be funny to wear Grant's underwear

They then decided it would be funny to hang the underwear from the fan

Frankie and Ron Jon even decided to "hang out" 

I think Frankie was tired from partying with the stuffed party animals

So he just decided to chill out high

where he could keep an eye out on Grant...

and watch some TV!

The next day buddy brought Grant some sugar cereal

I think Frankie knew that I hardly ever let Grant have sugar cereal

and he knows I'm a sucker for anything that is Christmas themed

So he got away with it....

and Grant loved it!

Unfortunately, I got video of Grant's reaction but no picture

I can tell you for sure that he was mucho excited 

and ate a very big bowl of sugar..err.. I mean cereal that morning...

so you can imagine what the rest of the day was like. 

Let's just say I remembered why I never let him have it.....

but I'll forgive Frankie! 

The next day Frankie was back at it with some of his buddies

Playing Candy Land

by the Christmas tree 

with Mini Mickey Mouse

and Jingle Bell Santa

and Merlin (the Elf that Grant can touch)

Get it...

Merlin...

Myrrh

Frankie & Merlin

Frankincense & Myrrh

...oh and I got word from Santa

that when we have a baby girl join our family in the future

that she will be assigned an elf by the name of Goldie

Frankincense, Myrrh and Gold

hehe.

Last night Frankie decided to go swinging on the lights

We all got a good laugh

Stay tuned to see what our silly elf comes up with in the next five days

Weigh In #5: December 9, 2013

Weigh In: 12/09/13

Starting Weight:  313.8 lbs

Ending Weight:   311.4 lbs

Weight Gone This Week: -2.4

Total Weight Lost:  - 43.6 lbs

Accountability Partner

Yesterday morning I got on the scale

I had the same reaction I had every morning since Thanksgiving

"What?!?!"

After a week of good eating I was still the same exact weight 

It was frustrating. 

To top it off, it was the day of my first Christmas party. 

This was a party that was catered by Famous Dave's BBQ

My absolute most favorite restaurant.. and I could get it for free!

I had planned to splurge. 

I had planned for this to be the day I allowed myself to cheat. 

But, did I want to spend another week getting back down 

to the same weight I was right then? ugh!

I had a lot of anxiety about it. 

I had a call with Jacqui and I tell her about my fears

She suggests a solid plan and I agreed to do it

Get meat only, over salad, skip the calorie rich sides

...like Jalapeno Mac and Cheese (yummmy!)

And either skip the dessert bar 

or

bring my own dessert that I know I can eat.

She is keeping me accountable

I was to take a picture of my plate and text her

It's not about feeling deprived, but about feeling empowered she says. 

I trust her. 

I trust her with all my heart. 

I get off the phone with her. 

I sit in a chair.

I whine to my husband. A lot. 

I was seriously having anxiety over the whole situation. 

The dinner finally arrives. 

I get in line for food. 

I pass up the Mac and Cheese. 

That felt good!

I pass up the Mashed Potatoes. 

That felt awesome!

I get the meat, two kinds of meat...

I get my salad

There is corn bread. 

We didn't talk about corn bread. 

I love their corn bread. 

What should I do. 

I grab a half a piece. 

I take my photo. 

I send it to her. 

I eat. 

I get full. 

I'm satisfied. 

The corn bread was like my dessert. 

I enjoy the people instead of thinking of the food. 

I was so happy with myself. 

I leave the party. 

I go home. 

I am so incredibly happy with myself. 

This is typically the time that I'm loathing myself for making bad choices. 

This is typically the time I'm full of regrets. 

But instead I was proud of myself. 

So proud that I said it out loud. 

The first thing I learned: 

Food comes and goes. 

What I put in my mouth is a moment in time. 

I won't always remember the taste of the food

but I will remember how I felt about myself

Sometimes its hard to say no

But the satisfaction, the empowerment, the feeling you have about yourself

When you choose yourself over food or whatever it is you're battling

It is so worth that moment. 

Bad decision led me to 355lbs

Bad decision led me to self hatred

I'm not perfect now

But gosh darn it I'm proud of myself. 

The second thing I learned: 

Having an accountability partner is priceless

If I didn't have someone

that believed in my potential 

who cared enough to prepare a plan for me

I may have slipped. 

There was temptation everywhere, but on the other end of my phone

was someone who believed in my potential and I didn't want to let her down

As the night went on, and I began to feel empowered by my decision,

I didn't want to let myself down

So remember as you are going to holiday parties to have a plan

and find someone to be your accountability partner! 

Trust me

You will feel empowered!

The result of my good choices

Showed on the scale

Come back on Monday to see!

Christmas Tradition: Elf on the Shelf Days 1-5

Our family has an Elf. 

His name is Frankincense. 

We call him Frankie. 

He shows up the Saturday after Thanksgiving. 

He always throws a North Pole Breakfast. 

It is full of lots of sugar. 

Frankie brought a bucket of Christmas Cheer...

Complete with Christmas jammies, socks, shirts, snowman earrs....

Christmas pencils, paper, straws and a stuffed Mickey Mouse!

Frankie always knows how to get us in the Christmas spirit! 

The next day, December 1st, Franke brought an Advent Calander. 

It helps Grant count down to Christmas. 

Plus he gets a little Lego everyday! 

Sweet!

The next day Frankie got into Daddy's Lego's... 

looks like they were having a race by the Christmas tree!

On the fourth day of Christmas... 

Frankie was just hanging out...

on the treadmill!

Guess he was reminding us all to make sure and get our steps in! 

He is soooo goofy!

This morning we found Frankie hanging out with...

Mickey Mouse, Elmer, Snoopy. Ron Jon, Yellow Mellow and Blueberry

and they were all wearing Gran'ts underwear!

We sure all got a good laugh! 

That Silly Elf!

What will that silly elf do next? 

Holiday! Celebrate!

Holiday parties & dinners are in full swing. 

I have at least 12 of them in the next four weeks! 

If I allowed myself to splurge at every single one...

 I would never reach my goal!

I know that if I don't make a plan for myself

that I just end up giving in to temptation!

I'll be having a good time...

with my friends...

a treat or two will sound innocent enough....

and then before you know it...

I'll have eaten 3000 calories!

It is CRITICAL for me to have a plan....

like my mom always said -

"Fail to Plan, Plan to Fail"

I put together a calendar

It lists all of my parties

I've chosen one a week that I'm allowed to splurge

the rest of them.....

if it is a dinner at a restaurant..

I've already decided what I'm having!

if it is a party

I've already decided what I'm bringing!

I've planned my days around it

so that my calorie count is spot on

I know exactly what I'm going to doing!

This is how I'm staying accountable to myself

Like I said, 

If I didn't have this plan

I would have allowed myself too many days 

and I wouldn't reach my goal

My goal is to be 299 on January 1st

If I do everything I can and still don't hit my goal...

I will be happy knowing that I put the work in

but my body just needs more time!

But if I just let it go and that day comes

I will be disappointed in myself. 

What are YOU doing to make sure the Holidays don't get the best of you?

If you have any good ideas for me, feel free to share!

Thanks for your loving support! 

Weigh In #4: December 2, 2013

Weigh In: 12/02/13

Starting Weight:  315.8 lbs

Ending Weight:   313.8 lbs

Weight Gone This Week: -2 lbs

Total Weight Lost:  -41.2 lbs

A Little Piece of My Heart

Today we are celebrating our family!

Two years ago today our son Grant entered our life!

We are so incredibly grateful for him.

This boy has stolen my heart

and I want to give you all a little piece of my heart today

and share with you the story of how we all became a family... 

In 2005 two hearts came together

I love my husband dearly

I'm blessed to have had him by my side through everything!

For 6 years we experienced all life had to offer....

We went on so many adventures together, just the two of us!

During this time we struggled to get pregnant...

in the midst of our heartache...

we had a beautiful little angel fall into our arms!

Our little Zoey became part of our family in 2009! 

On November 13, 2011 my life changed forever

My dad came over to my house and asked me if I wanted a "son"

After what I thought was a joke, I realized that my dad was being serious...

We had some distant family that was looking for someone to adopt their grandson...

We instantly knew it was something we wanted to do

We arranged to pick him up the day after Thanksgiving

We had people in our church who volunteered to throw us a very quick "toddler shower"

Everything you see in that picture below was giving to us by our church family

and their friends and neighbors

We were so blessed and felt so loved!

We had a little less than two weeks to prepare for a child

Let me remind you that... 

#1 We weren't in the process of adoption

#2 Adoption hadn't even occurred to be an option to us, yet...

#3 - We had never met Grant and hardly knew anything about him!

Let me tell you, it was the craziest two weeks of my life!

On November 25, 2011 we met Grant

The pictures below are when we first met the little guy... 

The next day he came home with us.

We had his room all made up

We wanted him to feel comfortable

and to see a room that was fun and inviting

I couldn't get enough of his precious face! 

"Mom, stop taking pictures!"

I'm thankful for my family

I'm thankful that I had infertility struggles

I'm thankful that God prepared my heart for Grant

I'm thankful for his sweet spirit in our home

It wasn't a cake walk after we got him. 

Grant has Sensory Processing Disorder

I'm still learning everyday how to help him

best get through life! 

But I'm thankful that we found each other

I'm so happy he has someone to fight for him

He is so fun! He is so bright! He is so sweet! 

Every thing I had to go through to get him was worth it. 

Our adoption didn't finalize until May 2013 but

two years ago today I became a mother to this sweet little boy

and he stole my whole heart forever!

Weigh In #3: November 25, 2013

Weigh In: 11/25/13

Starting Weight:  318.4 lbs

Ending Weight:   315.8 lbs

Weight Gone This Week: -2.6 lbs

Total Weight Lost:  -39.2 lbs

All or Nothing?

In the past I've struggled a lot with an all or nothing mentality. 

This way of thinking has been what has sabotaged my progress so many times. 

Last week I had a very stressful day. 

My sons bedtime was coming up and I didn't have anything prepared for dinner 

so I just went and picked up a pizza.
I was "good" and only got one large pizza...
ya know, instead of the family deal with all the fixins'...

See, pizza is a trigger food for me
I can't just eat one slice
I've had such bad binges with pizza that one time,
after bingeing on half a pizza,
I had a moment of strength and I threw an entire pizza away
only to find myself 3 hours later...
standing over the trash trying to justify
taking the pizza out of the trash and devouring it! 
So, Victory #1 = Only getting one pizza!

 So, When I got home I grabbed my usual 3 large slices and headed for the couch.
Ahhhhh... hello old friend!

Half way through eating my second slice I realized I was full.
The concept of stopping when I'm full is new to me... 

I realized I had a decision to make about who I am now...

Am I the same old Ashley that already made one bad choice,
so she might as well keep going and eat half the pizza?
OR
Am I the new Ashley that knows that one slip doesn't mean
I need to willingly jump off the ledge and go head first into binge mode!

So, Victory #2 I put my third slice back. 

My third and finally victory came after I put my son to bed. 

It was 8:03 PM and I had exactly 2,456 steps 

(just a tad shy of my 10,000 steps a day goal). 

I felt like just going to bed and making it up later....

 but I didn't! I had a dance party instead!

I turned my music up and got my feet moving.... 

At first it was the most pathetic dance party. I was NOT feeling it....

At 7,000 steps I wanted to quit so badly!!! I was "going to die"

But I didn't. I kept going until I got my 10,000 steps. 

Then I thought - I can keep going....

I decided that this was a perfect time to prove to myself
just how far I'd come...
I didn't think I'd make it to 10,000.... so I went to 12,000 instead!
Victory #3 - Showing myself how amazing I really am!

I'm learning that it doesn't have to be all or nothing! 

We don't need to punish ourselves with multiple bad choices 

because of one bad choice. 

We put so much pressure on ourselves
to be perfect!
Guess what? We're not going to be
perfect, not in this life at least.
We are going to mess up but...
it's NOT all or nothing...
It is the best we can do every moment...
you had a bad morning, well,  have a good afternoon
you ate doughnuts at work...? Doesn't mean you have to
let the whole day go!

I am perfectly imperfect, 

I will make bad choices, 

I will fall down, 

but I will get up and keep going!

Do you struggle with all or nothing mentality?