....And the Truth Shall Set ME Free!

I know exactly what you all are thinking

"Knock, Knock - Hello? 

.....Ashley, are you there?"

I promised you all I'd be back this month...
yet again I failed to come back to the fold!

I'm here to let you know why....
 I'm here to set myself free

...to stop feeling guilty, shame,

embarrassment, self-loathing etc. 

The truth is, I've gained. 

Last time I weighed in for you I was 311

Today I weighed in at 325 *Gulp*

Gosh, you may not realize how good that feels

To finally be honest with you
and now that I'm being honest with you,
I can start being present with you!

Almost everyday since the beginning of 2014 has been a struggle for me. 

I've gone up and down the same 10-15lbs probably three times in two months.

I even got myself down to 309 only to go back up again

The truth is, I've been trying to play catch up. 

I felt ashamed that in the new year

when everyone is doing so good,

... I was sucking! 

I felt embarrassed that all of you lovely people were so proud of me

and I felt like I was letting you down

So, when I gained a little, I tried to do something drastic in order to make up for it

I thought if I could just do something to lose a bunch of weight
then no one would notice

So my "All or Nothing" mentality kicked it. 

I was strict to catch up

Then, after not being able to be so strict, I would binge. 

Then of course the weight would come back on just as fast
PLUS a little extra

UGH!

So in the end, it didn't do any good. 

I really, really didn't want to talk about gaining
I only wanted to struggle a little....
stupid, right? haha

The reason I started this blog was to have support
through the good and bad
but I was hoping it was more good then bad
I wanted to be this great inspirational person..
like you see on the TV shows...
but the truth is, you only see the majority of the good on TV Shows....
if they struggle you see like 10 minutes of struggle

Every single time I tried to come back I thought I was "close enough"
to my previous weight so no one would notice
but as I got further and further away
I felt a great deal of shame
So I hid myself
and this just added to the pain and guilt I felt
and where do I turn for comfort?
FOOD
Why do we turn to the one thing that is creating all of our problems?
Ironic, no? Haha

BUT

... then I realized... 

you are all here to hear about the good, the bad, the ugly and the sad

.. at least I think you are?
You are all here because you support me

Weight loss is not a perfect journey

I'm not on the biggest loser, you don't expect me to lose 10lbs a week

The only person putting pressure on me is me

I'm sorry and I'm not going to hide anymore
I'm Ashley
I weight 325lbs
I'm on a lifelong journey
I'm not perfect
and now that you all know my truth
I'm FREE
I can be present with you about my struggles
I can have you by my side again

Thank you to all those that are reading this now
It means that you didn't leave my side even when
I put myself in my own prison by shutting you all out
I'm not used to being open during my struggles

I'll be posting a lot as I get back into blogging
and telling you all about how I'm getting back into
being healthy and kind to myself!

Thank you for your love and support!!

Weigh in #6: December 16, 2013

I had a blast this week! I had back-to-back-to-back Christmas parties and spent a lot of good times with family and friends. I also ate some really delicious food! Because of this, the scale didn't budge much- and you know what? That's okay! So many times in my life have I gained 10-20 lbs by now, indulging in everything in anticipation of the new year when I would "start." I've really be conscious when eating and not letting my all-or-nothing mentality take over. In a perfect world, I wish I would have made it through the week with a loss but I'm not perfect and I honestly wouldn't change much from this week because it was mentally satisfying. I'm still working towards my goal of 299, and I know it most likely happen in the time frame I wanted it but this is my lifestyle now. As long as I keep going I'll get to where I want to go. Here is to another week! 

Previous Weight: 311.4

Current Weight: 311.8

Weight Change: +0.4

Elf on the Shelf Days 6-10

Frankie has been up to no good!

After all the stuffed animals decided it would be funny to wear Grant's underwear

They then decided it would be funny to hang the underwear from the fan

Frankie and Ron Jon even decided to "hang out" 

I think Frankie was tired from partying with the stuffed party animals

So he just decided to chill out high

where he could keep an eye out on Grant...

and watch some TV!

The next day buddy brought Grant some sugar cereal

I think Frankie knew that I hardly ever let Grant have sugar cereal

and he knows I'm a sucker for anything that is Christmas themed

So he got away with it....

and Grant loved it!

Unfortunately, I got video of Grant's reaction but no picture

I can tell you for sure that he was mucho excited 

and ate a very big bowl of sugar..err.. I mean cereal that morning...

so you can imagine what the rest of the day was like. 

Let's just say I remembered why I never let him have it.....

but I'll forgive Frankie! 

The next day Frankie was back at it with some of his buddies

Playing Candy Land

by the Christmas tree 

with Mini Mickey Mouse

and Jingle Bell Santa

and Merlin (the Elf that Grant can touch)

Get it...

Merlin...

Myrrh

Frankie & Merlin

Frankincense & Myrrh

...oh and I got word from Santa

that when we have a baby girl join our family in the future

that she will be assigned an elf by the name of Goldie

Frankincense, Myrrh and Gold

hehe.

Last night Frankie decided to go swinging on the lights

We all got a good laugh

Stay tuned to see what our silly elf comes up with in the next five days

Weigh In #5: December 9, 2013

Weigh In: 12/09/13

Starting Weight:  313.8 lbs

Ending Weight:   311.4 lbs

Weight Gone This Week: -2.4

Total Weight Lost:  - 43.6 lbs

Accountability Partner

Yesterday morning I got on the scale

I had the same reaction I had every morning since Thanksgiving

"What?!?!"

After a week of good eating I was still the same exact weight 

It was frustrating. 

To top it off, it was the day of my first Christmas party. 

This was a party that was catered by Famous Dave's BBQ

My absolute most favorite restaurant.. and I could get it for free!

I had planned to splurge. 

I had planned for this to be the day I allowed myself to cheat. 

But, did I want to spend another week getting back down 

to the same weight I was right then? ugh!

I had a lot of anxiety about it. 

I had a call with Jacqui and I tell her about my fears

She suggests a solid plan and I agreed to do it

Get meat only, over salad, skip the calorie rich sides

...like Jalapeno Mac and Cheese (yummmy!)

And either skip the dessert bar 

or

bring my own dessert that I know I can eat.

She is keeping me accountable

I was to take a picture of my plate and text her

It's not about feeling deprived, but about feeling empowered she says. 

I trust her. 

I trust her with all my heart. 

I get off the phone with her. 

I sit in a chair.

I whine to my husband. A lot. 

I was seriously having anxiety over the whole situation. 

The dinner finally arrives. 

I get in line for food. 

I pass up the Mac and Cheese. 

That felt good!

I pass up the Mashed Potatoes. 

That felt awesome!

I get the meat, two kinds of meat...

I get my salad

There is corn bread. 

We didn't talk about corn bread. 

I love their corn bread. 

What should I do. 

I grab a half a piece. 

I take my photo. 

I send it to her. 

I eat. 

I get full. 

I'm satisfied. 

The corn bread was like my dessert. 

I enjoy the people instead of thinking of the food. 

I was so happy with myself. 

I leave the party. 

I go home. 

I am so incredibly happy with myself. 

This is typically the time that I'm loathing myself for making bad choices. 

This is typically the time I'm full of regrets. 

But instead I was proud of myself. 

So proud that I said it out loud. 

The first thing I learned: 

Food comes and goes. 

What I put in my mouth is a moment in time. 

I won't always remember the taste of the food

but I will remember how I felt about myself

Sometimes its hard to say no

But the satisfaction, the empowerment, the feeling you have about yourself

When you choose yourself over food or whatever it is you're battling

It is so worth that moment. 

Bad decision led me to 355lbs

Bad decision led me to self hatred

I'm not perfect now

But gosh darn it I'm proud of myself. 

The second thing I learned: 

Having an accountability partner is priceless

If I didn't have someone

that believed in my potential 

who cared enough to prepare a plan for me

I may have slipped. 

There was temptation everywhere, but on the other end of my phone

was someone who believed in my potential and I didn't want to let her down

As the night went on, and I began to feel empowered by my decision,

I didn't want to let myself down

So remember as you are going to holiday parties to have a plan

and find someone to be your accountability partner! 

Trust me

You will feel empowered!

The result of my good choices

Showed on the scale

Come back on Monday to see!

Christmas Tradition: Elf on the Shelf Days 1-5

Our family has an Elf. 

His name is Frankincense. 

We call him Frankie. 

He shows up the Saturday after Thanksgiving. 

He always throws a North Pole Breakfast. 

It is full of lots of sugar. 

Frankie brought a bucket of Christmas Cheer...

Complete with Christmas jammies, socks, shirts, snowman earrs....

Christmas pencils, paper, straws and a stuffed Mickey Mouse!

Frankie always knows how to get us in the Christmas spirit! 

The next day, December 1st, Franke brought an Advent Calander. 

It helps Grant count down to Christmas. 

Plus he gets a little Lego everyday! 

Sweet!

The next day Frankie got into Daddy's Lego's... 

looks like they were having a race by the Christmas tree!

On the fourth day of Christmas... 

Frankie was just hanging out...

on the treadmill!

Guess he was reminding us all to make sure and get our steps in! 

He is soooo goofy!

This morning we found Frankie hanging out with...

Mickey Mouse, Elmer, Snoopy. Ron Jon, Yellow Mellow and Blueberry

and they were all wearing Gran'ts underwear!

We sure all got a good laugh! 

That Silly Elf!

What will that silly elf do next? 

Holiday! Celebrate!

Holiday parties & dinners are in full swing. 

I have at least 12 of them in the next four weeks! 

If I allowed myself to splurge at every single one...

 I would never reach my goal!

I know that if I don't make a plan for myself

that I just end up giving in to temptation!

I'll be having a good time...

with my friends...

a treat or two will sound innocent enough....

and then before you know it...

I'll have eaten 3000 calories!

It is CRITICAL for me to have a plan....

like my mom always said -

"Fail to Plan, Plan to Fail"

I put together a calendar

It lists all of my parties

I've chosen one a week that I'm allowed to splurge

the rest of them.....

if it is a dinner at a restaurant..

I've already decided what I'm having!

if it is a party

I've already decided what I'm bringing!

I've planned my days around it

so that my calorie count is spot on

I know exactly what I'm going to doing!

This is how I'm staying accountable to myself

Like I said, 

If I didn't have this plan

I would have allowed myself too many days 

and I wouldn't reach my goal

My goal is to be 299 on January 1st

If I do everything I can and still don't hit my goal...

I will be happy knowing that I put the work in

but my body just needs more time!

But if I just let it go and that day comes

I will be disappointed in myself. 

What are YOU doing to make sure the Holidays don't get the best of you?

If you have any good ideas for me, feel free to share!

Thanks for your loving support!