I've Canceled My Membership to the Diet-of-the-Month Club

I used to belong to the "diet-of-the-month" club

I was a member for over 16 years

There are times that I've let my membership expire...

... only to renew it again, and again, and again

BUT, and this is a really big, gigantic, humongous BUT

I'm determined to never allow myself to join that silly club again

How many of you belong to this club?

The one that flip flops us from diet to diet

This year alone I've been....

Low Carb

Paleo

AND

Vegan

How does that even work?!?! 

Well, it didn't. I went insane and messed up my body

All of these diets promise results

Of course, anyone can see results on any of the diets

People can be perfectly healthy on any of these diets

But there are only the select few who can LIVE that way

I couldn't live with any of those 100%

... and if we can't live a life eating the way we are eating now

what makes us think we can be successful long term?

For some reason....

every time... 

every single time... 

 a new "issue" of the diet-of-the-month club came out

I was excited

FINALLY something I could do

But it always failed me, always

I'm ready to start a revolution....

okay, that was a little dramatic...

but seriously! Who is with me?

Let's all STOP

Let's all LIVE! 

This past week I've focused on getting myself back into the groove

Sure, weight doesn't fall of as quickly

But I lost 1lb this week. 

I'm starting off small

I'm focusing on counting my calories

Eating reasonable portions

But if I wanted a treat, I had it, as long as it fit within my calories

I'm not watching my fat

I'm not watching my sugar, fiber, protein or anything

These are all important and I will get there

But... I'm addicted to food

and I've tried the cold turkey approach

It just leads to a binges for me

This week I'm going to focus on getting active

I'm not ready to put my Fit Bit on (for all my Fit Bit friends)

But I am going to start walking

I'm going to get myself out there

I think its important to eat clean and be healthy

But I just can't do it all at once if I want it to be a way of life for me

Slow and steady wins the race 

Its a hard concept for me to swallow.... it really is....

and I will get to the point where I can be more strict with myself

But its going to be MY rules

I will no longer follow someone elses rules about "diets"

I've read enough of them to take bits and pieces 

to design a program that works for me

After all.........

I've never been very good at following rules

and that's why I've canceled my membership

to the diet-of-the-month club

Who is with me?!?! 

....And the Truth Shall Set ME Free!

I know exactly what you all are thinking

"Knock, Knock - Hello? 

.....Ashley, are you there?"

I promised you all I'd be back this month...
yet again I failed to come back to the fold!

I'm here to let you know why....
 I'm here to set myself free

...to stop feeling guilty, shame,

embarrassment, self-loathing etc. 

The truth is, I've gained. 

Last time I weighed in for you I was 311

Today I weighed in at 325 *Gulp*

Gosh, you may not realize how good that feels

To finally be honest with you
and now that I'm being honest with you,
I can start being present with you!

Almost everyday since the beginning of 2014 has been a struggle for me. 

I've gone up and down the same 10-15lbs probably three times in two months.

I even got myself down to 309 only to go back up again

The truth is, I've been trying to play catch up. 

I felt ashamed that in the new year

when everyone is doing so good,

... I was sucking! 

I felt embarrassed that all of you lovely people were so proud of me

and I felt like I was letting you down

So, when I gained a little, I tried to do something drastic in order to make up for it

I thought if I could just do something to lose a bunch of weight
then no one would notice

So my "All or Nothing" mentality kicked it. 

I was strict to catch up

Then, after not being able to be so strict, I would binge. 

Then of course the weight would come back on just as fast
PLUS a little extra

UGH!

So in the end, it didn't do any good. 

I really, really didn't want to talk about gaining
I only wanted to struggle a little....
stupid, right? haha

The reason I started this blog was to have support
through the good and bad
but I was hoping it was more good then bad
I wanted to be this great inspirational person..
like you see on the TV shows...
but the truth is, you only see the majority of the good on TV Shows....
if they struggle you see like 10 minutes of struggle

Every single time I tried to come back I thought I was "close enough"
to my previous weight so no one would notice
but as I got further and further away
I felt a great deal of shame
So I hid myself
and this just added to the pain and guilt I felt
and where do I turn for comfort?
FOOD
Why do we turn to the one thing that is creating all of our problems?
Ironic, no? Haha

BUT

... then I realized... 

you are all here to hear about the good, the bad, the ugly and the sad

.. at least I think you are?
You are all here because you support me

Weight loss is not a perfect journey

I'm not on the biggest loser, you don't expect me to lose 10lbs a week

The only person putting pressure on me is me

I'm sorry and I'm not going to hide anymore
I'm Ashley
I weight 325lbs
I'm on a lifelong journey
I'm not perfect
and now that you all know my truth
I'm FREE
I can be present with you about my struggles
I can have you by my side again

Thank you to all those that are reading this now
It means that you didn't leave my side even when
I put myself in my own prison by shutting you all out
I'm not used to being open during my struggles

I'll be posting a lot as I get back into blogging
and telling you all about how I'm getting back into
being healthy and kind to myself!

Thank you for your love and support!!