I know exactly what you all are thinking
"Knock, Knock - Hello?
.....Ashley, are you there?"
I promised you all I'd be back this month...
yet again I failed to come back to the fold!
I'm here to let you know why....
I'm here to set myself free
yet again I failed to come back to the fold!
I'm here to let you know why....
I'm here to set myself free
...to stop feeling guilty, shame,
embarrassment, self-loathing etc.
The truth is, I've gained.
Last time I weighed in for you I was 311
Today I weighed in at 325 *Gulp*
Gosh, you may not realize how good that feels
To finally be honest with you
and now that I'm being honest with you,
I can start being present with you!
and now that I'm being honest with you,
I can start being present with you!
Almost everyday since the beginning of 2014 has been a struggle for me.
I've gone up and down the same 10-15lbs probably three times in two months.
I even got myself down to 309 only to go back up again
The truth is, I've been trying to play catch up.
I felt ashamed that in the new year
when everyone is doing so good,
... I was sucking!
I felt embarrassed that all of you lovely people were so proud of me
and I felt like I was letting you down
So, when I gained a little, I tried to do something drastic in order to make up for it
I thought if I could just do something to lose a bunch of weight
then no one would notice
then no one would notice
So my "All or Nothing" mentality kicked it.
I was strict to catch up
Then, after not being able to be so strict, I would binge.
Then of course the weight would come back on just as fast
PLUS a little extra
PLUS a little extra
UGH!
So in the end, it didn't do any good.
I really, really didn't want to talk about gaining
I only wanted to struggle a little....
stupid, right? haha
The reason I started this blog was to have support
through the good and bad
but I was hoping it was more good then bad
I wanted to be this great inspirational person..
like you see on the TV shows...
but the truth is, you only see the majority of the good on TV Shows....
if they struggle you see like 10 minutes of struggle
Every single time I tried to come back I thought I was "close enough"
to my previous weight so no one would notice
but as I got further and further away
I felt a great deal of shame
So I hid myself
and this just added to the pain and guilt I felt
and where do I turn for comfort?
FOOD
Why do we turn to the one thing that is creating all of our problems?
Ironic, no? Haha
BUT
I only wanted to struggle a little....
stupid, right? haha
The reason I started this blog was to have support
through the good and bad
but I was hoping it was more good then bad
I wanted to be this great inspirational person..
like you see on the TV shows...
but the truth is, you only see the majority of the good on TV Shows....
if they struggle you see like 10 minutes of struggle
Every single time I tried to come back I thought I was "close enough"
to my previous weight so no one would notice
but as I got further and further away
I felt a great deal of shame
So I hid myself
and this just added to the pain and guilt I felt
and where do I turn for comfort?
FOOD
Why do we turn to the one thing that is creating all of our problems?
Ironic, no? Haha
BUT
... then I realized...
you are all here to hear about the good, the bad, the ugly and the sad
.. at least I think you are?
You are all here because you support me
You are all here because you support me
Weight loss is not a perfect journey
I'm not on the biggest loser, you don't expect me to lose 10lbs a week
The only person putting pressure on me is me
I'm sorry and I'm not going to hide anymore
I'm Ashley
I weight 325lbs
I'm on a lifelong journey
I'm not perfect
and now that you all know my truth
I'm FREE
I can be present with you about my struggles
I can have you by my side again
Thank you to all those that are reading this now
It means that you didn't leave my side even when
I put myself in my own prison by shutting you all out
I'm not used to being open during my struggles
I'll be posting a lot as I get back into blogging
and telling you all about how I'm getting back into
being healthy and kind to myself!
Thank you for your love and support!!
I'm sorry and I'm not going to hide anymore
I'm Ashley
I weight 325lbs
I'm on a lifelong journey
I'm not perfect
and now that you all know my truth
I'm FREE
I can be present with you about my struggles
I can have you by my side again
Thank you to all those that are reading this now
It means that you didn't leave my side even when
I put myself in my own prison by shutting you all out
I'm not used to being open during my struggles
I'll be posting a lot as I get back into blogging
and telling you all about how I'm getting back into
being healthy and kind to myself!
Thank you people don't share there true struggle enough and people think its suppose to be a perfect journey. Well its not perfect and its not suppose to be perfect. Its suppose to be yours and no two journeys are the same
ReplyDeleteHUGE HUG! i am in the exact same boat, yo-yoing with the same 5-10 lbs., don't want to talk about it with those who are rooting for me. comfort myself in food. get strict, fail, comfort myself with food. it goes on and on. arghhhhhh. best to keep it real and share the struggle. we all go thru it! probably always will, but like you said we have each other to lean on. i wish you the best of luck!! you're super brave for this!
ReplyDeleteI feel like I could have written this. It's so easy to put pressure on yourself to try to be perfect, especially when you are trying to be an example for others. It was pretty easy for me to feel like I was an inspiration when I was losing 160 lbs. But this past 9 months when I have been stuck gaining and losing the same 2 pounds (when I still have a good 30 or 40 lbs left to lose)? There have been many times when I have felt like a failure, like I was letting down everyone who believed in me. But the truth is that people don't need you to be perfect. They just need to see you keep trying. I've had a lot of people tell me they got just as much, if not more, out of my blog entries that talked about my struggles than the ones that talked about my successes. The inspiration comes from falling down and getting back up, not just from losing x amount of pounds. So you've had a setback or two, but who hasn't? I still believe 100% that you can do this! I'm so proud of you for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteWay to go girl! It takes so much courage and strength to admit you are and have struggled. You are awesome all the time! I did weight watchers before I got pregnant, and girl when I "fell off the wagon" a few times I totally did what you just described. I tried to do it on my own and be super strict before I'd go back so that no one would know I'd gained. But yeah....that never worked. I totally did what you did, I'd just get frustrated and binge. It was so hard to walk back in that door and admit I'd gained and get back to it. But you are SO right, it is freeing to admit it and to forgive yourself. And now you can move forward. I am so proud of you! We are here to be with you and support you every step of the way. Congrats on moving forward. Progress, not perfection. I have to constantly remind myself of that all the time. You've got this girl! Love you! Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteGlad to see you're back! I have been my son's sole support system for losing weight. He is down 80 pounds. Losing weight is a journey and there is always a new day. You are getting healthy for yourself and your family and no one else. Everyone loses weight in a different way. For my son, the only way he could lose was by not eating simple carbs and exercising consistently. I have a white board and wrote his weight goal each month to keep the focus. He has his "before" and now "after" pictures taped inside his medicine chest. You can do it!!...Suzanne, Tucson AZ
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