Magnificent Work In Progress

My official weigh in for 2015

and I'm starting the year out

weighing MORE than I did last year

343 is a big number

I will say that...

....I'm thankful that this is not my all time high

At least I can say I've seen worse... 

but it is still such a disappointment,

but I made mistakes, 

mistakes that have taught me invaluable lessons

and so I move on

but the journey seems almost impossible

I don't know how many people can relate

but when you're overweight

and especially as overweight as I am

and you're looking at your predicted destination

and you realize how far you have to go

it just seems like

the mountain is too high

the valley is too low

the river is too wide

the ocean is too deep....

okay, I think you get it!

What we forget to realize is that there is

the actual journey

I mean, the whole point of actually doing a road trip

is all the cool spots you get to hit along the way, right?

No one goes from California to New York

without stopping along the way 

There are so many cool things to see along the way

the journey with losing weight is the same

I'm not going to lose 50 lbs

and still be depressed

that I'm not yet in New York.... 

hehe

I'm a work in progress

a MAGNIFICENT work in progress

I get to learn so many things in the next year or two

there will be so many stops along the journey that I will get to enjoy

there will be new people I will met 

and I will wonder how I ever lived without them

there will be memories that will be made 

that will create so much joy in my life

there will be moments

that will mold and shape me

and I will become a different person

not because the number on the scale is different

but because of the journey!

New Year, New Me

Well, here we are again...

the start of a new year! 

Can you believe its 2015?

Last year when I thought of this moment...

I thought it would turn out a little different. 

I thought I'd be starting this year at least 100 lbs down

half way through to my goal of losing 200 lbs

but instead I'm starting right back where I started

yet another year of ups and downs

I'm having mixed emotions about where I am

Let me introduce you to emotion #1

This is the girl that is mad

oh Ashley, how did you do this again?

How did you get here?

How many times can you seriously make the same mistakes?

Aren't you embarrassed?

Who am I kidding, of course you are embarrassed. 

Why do you even bother to blog about it

I have no idea why people even stay interested in you

its the same thing over and over again

Aren't you tired of working hard 

and then gaining it all back?

Aren't you sick of letting food win? 

Addiction - WINNING

You - FAILING

Do you just like it?

The emotional roller coaster?

The drama of it all?

The pain?

Do you not know how to live without the pain?

Don't you know you deserve better?

Don't you know that there is something better out there?

UGH!

Now, let me introduce you to emotion #2

This is the girl that is glad...

glad that I keep getting up and dusting myself off

glad that I'm trying for the 35,956 time

glad that the embarrassment doesn't hold me back

glad that failure isn't an option

and it only becomes an option when I quit 

and so if I keep getting up

I know I never fail

and I know I can do this

and even after I have given myself plenty of reasons

to doubt that success is ever possible

I still get up

I still keep fighting

That even though there are sometimes

when I really loathe my choices

that I still love myself enough to not give up

Never

Give

Up

So here I am again. 

Laugh if you want. 

Cheer if you want. 

Cry if you want. 

I am doing all the above. 

I am back. 

This time will be different

I have to believe that

and I hope you do, too

I love that you stand by me

Even though you may have been disappointed in the past

you may at one point even forgot you were on this journey with me

thank you for being back here with me

thank you for sticking with me

thank you for loving me when sometimes I couldn't love myself

thank

YOU