New Year, New Me

Well, here we are again...

the start of a new year! 

Can you believe its 2015?

Last year when I thought of this moment...

I thought it would turn out a little different. 

I thought I'd be starting this year at least 100 lbs down

half way through to my goal of losing 200 lbs

but instead I'm starting right back where I started

yet another year of ups and downs

I'm having mixed emotions about where I am

Let me introduce you to emotion #1

This is the girl that is mad

oh Ashley, how did you do this again?

How did you get here?

How many times can you seriously make the same mistakes?

Aren't you embarrassed?

Who am I kidding, of course you are embarrassed. 

Why do you even bother to blog about it

I have no idea why people even stay interested in you

its the same thing over and over again

Aren't you tired of working hard 

and then gaining it all back?

Aren't you sick of letting food win? 

Addiction - WINNING

You - FAILING

Do you just like it?

The emotional roller coaster?

The drama of it all?

The pain?

Do you not know how to live without the pain?

Don't you know you deserve better?

Don't you know that there is something better out there?

UGH!

Now, let me introduce you to emotion #2

This is the girl that is glad...

glad that I keep getting up and dusting myself off

glad that I'm trying for the 35,956 time

glad that the embarrassment doesn't hold me back

glad that failure isn't an option

and it only becomes an option when I quit 

and so if I keep getting up

I know I never fail

and I know I can do this

and even after I have given myself plenty of reasons

to doubt that success is ever possible

I still get up

I still keep fighting

That even though there are sometimes

when I really loathe my choices

that I still love myself enough to not give up

Never

Give

Up

So here I am again. 

Laugh if you want. 

Cheer if you want. 

Cry if you want. 

I am doing all the above. 

I am back. 

This time will be different

I have to believe that

and I hope you do, too

I love that you stand by me

Even though you may have been disappointed in the past

you may at one point even forgot you were on this journey with me

thank you for being back here with me

thank you for sticking with me

thank you for loving me when sometimes I couldn't love myself

thank

YOU